Bride (looking at organ console): Ooh, isn’t it complicated!

Groom: ‘Diapason’?  I thought that was American for a baby’s nappy.

Bride: How on earth do you know what to do with all these things with funny names?

Me (modestly): Oh well, it isn’t too bad once you get used to it.

OK, maybe I was basking in a bit of jargon-glory, and implying by my demeanour that playing ‘Here comes the bride’ is a skill which needs years of study at some conservatoire added to a high degree of natural musical ability.  You have to do this with brides sometimes to get any sort of respect.

But what I said was actually true.  Once you get used to what the names and numbers on the stops mean, you know what they should sound like, both in isolation and combined.  And when you’re investigating a new electronic organ with a view to buying it, this is information you need.

More on this in another post.  But in the meantime, the following chart of stop ‘families’ is worth having a look at.  Compiled by Robin Bell for a SCOTS* training day in 2000, it has been in use ever since, and Robin has kindly given permission for me to include it here.  Click once on the image to enlarge it, then right-click to save it to your computer for printing later if you wish.

The chart of course refers to both pipe and electronic organs. The next couple of posts dealing with stops will also refer to both kinds of organ, so I will leave out the ‘Electronic’ in the post title (I should have done it this time, really).  But if you are thinking of buying an electronic and want to gather information, please read them.

*SCOTS is the Scottish Churches Organist Training Scheme, of which Robin is the Administrator.  For more information goto SCOTS

Most new parish organs are now electronic.  The great days when a pipe organ was automatically part of any new church are long gone.  Electronic organs can be really useful and sound well, if they are carefully chosen with regard to both the instrument itself and the church where it will be played.

However, these instruments come in all shapes and sizes, with endless sounds and gadgetry, and it is not surprising that the average organist, let alone the average parish priest, often just doesn’t know where to start when working out the best one to buy.   Here are a few hints:

WHAT DOES IT SOUND LIKE?
Quality of sound is by far the most important thing, and you don’t need to be an electronics expert to judge it.  If it doesn’t sound good, don’t buy it.  Sound quality and price don’t necessarily go together.  Even different organs from the same maker may vary in sound quality. You have to try before you buy.

SHOP AROUND
There are a number of manufacturers and suppliers of good electronic organs, but not all of them have local showrooms.  Nevertheless, they’ll all be anxious to sell to you, so they’ll happily tell you which churches have their organs installed.  This can give you the advantage of a chat with the church organist, who’ll tell you how he or she is getting on with the instrument.  And you also hear the organ in its natural setting, a church.  A local supplier may offer to install an organ in your own church temporarily for you to try out.  This is an excellent way to judge the instrument, but it sometimes carries with it a feeling of moral obligation to buy.  If the organ isn’t right for you, resist this feeling; the supplier will understand.

THEIR LIFE IS LIMITED
Unlike pipe organs, which can go on for a century and more (the one I play was built in 1874), electronic organs can wear out after a decade or two, although this can vary considerably according to usage and the manufacturer’s ability to supply spare parts.  Advancing technology can also have an effect on a maker’s policy towards earlier models. The crunch comes when parts are no longer obtainable.  This is a particularly important consideration when buying an expensive model; it’s worth finding out what kind of pipe organ could be built for the same money.  And this factor should also be taken into account if you are thinking of buying a second-hand instrument.

THE CHURCH ENVIRONMENT MUST BE CONSIDERED
The size and shape of the church, and the resonance of its acoustic, are factors that must be taken into account.  Is amplification required?

HOW MUCH GADGETRY IS NEEDED?
Don’t pay for a lot of things that you know you will never use, such as automatic rhythms, recording devices or a multitude of orchestral voices.  Enquire if there is a simpler model.  There usually is if you dig deep enough, and it will be a lot, lot cheaper.

Future posts on this subject will look at the basic needs of the average parish in terms of organ sounds.  Also, ways to test out the organ you are thinking of buying.  In the meantime, I’d like to draw your attention to that excellent booklet, Church Organs, produced by the Church of Scotland.  It is downloadable from the SFO website.  Go to Scottish Federation of Organists  and scroll down the page to the section headed ‘The Organ Advice Committee’

And remember, the first and over-riding consideration is the quality of the sound.

A member of my family has told me that I’m paranoid about electronic pianos.

What nonsense!  I loathe them, of course, and they make me very angry because of all the damage they have done to congregational singing.  And they certainly do keep turning up in churches and funeral parlours where I am asked to play.  It’s as if they are following me around.  Well, not ‘as if’.  They are following me around.  It’s part of a conspiracy to get at me for telling the truth about them, that they are planning to take over all the churches in the world …

Hmm.  Pause.

I think I’ll stop posting about electronic pianos.  The next major blog theme will be those much more rewarding objects (relatively speaking), electronic organs.

( … and can someone please call the police and ask them to arrest all those electronic pianos gathering in my garden and preparing to attack … )

Bride: Why don’t you use the oboe?

What I could have said:

1. Don’t you tell me what stops to use!

2. This is a miserable, aged, defective, decrepit, totally unreliable electronic.  The trumpet that I’m using sort of, but only sort of, sounds like an oboe.  The oboe sounds like nothing on earth.

3. This is a miserable, etc, etc.  The volume pedal is erratic, so I’m adding and removing stops to a plan instead of using it.  Your oboe isn’t part of the plan.

4. I’ve already organised and practised this with the solo on the Great.  If I switch manuals at this late stage, I’ll probably forget on the day.  You won’t like coming down the aisle to the result.

So what did I actually say? Oh, some cowardly rubbish about this particular oboe being more suitable for funerals.  But anyhow, it did the trick.

New electronic pianos! Oh, how good they look, with their handsome wooden cases, seven-and-a-half gleaming octaves and a rich organ sound when you activate the single organ voice! This is what will have fooled the non-organist (probably non-musician) who went out and bought the thing in the first place. All the problems are still there: touch sensitivity, hand-operated volume slider control, lack of variety in the organ sound, etc. etc. This piano is as hopeless for accompanying church singing as the older ones, but can it be at all possible to get such a beautiful-looking new instrument, still under guarantee, out of the church and replaced with a real organ? The answer is YES!

First, you have to persuade the powers-that-be (by which I mean clergy and parish council) that this purchase has been a mistake. Their ears may already have told them this, but if not, you will need to exert all the tact and diplomacy you are capable of until you get a grudging ‘Well, maybe we could look into it – not promising anything, mind’.

Then have a look at these three possibilities:

SELL IT and buy an organ. Offer the electronic piano for sale to any parishioner wishing to learn to play the piano. Find out who the local piano teachers are, and see if they know anyone who might buy it. Upmarket care homes might be interested. Try not to sell it to another church.

SWAP IT Suggest trading it in. If the original supplier also sells electronic organs, a straight exchange might be possible. Make sure you get to choose, or at least advise on, the replacement.

KEEP IT but get it out of the church. This is the best solution, if financially viable. Every church should ideally have an organ and a piano. As I’ve said before, an electronic piano can be good with instrumental groups and children, and for social occasions. Interestingly, a piano is also needed if an organist takes an Associated Board grade examination on the organ. The Board insists on a piano for its examiner to conduct the aural part of the exam. The little Roland in my church has been hauled out to do this duty on several occasions.

All this usefulness makes the original purchaser of the piano feel less guilty (assuming your persuasion has worked and guilt has set in). He will realise that the piano is a really good parish asset after all and that the organ he is now going to buy will be another.

Good luck!

In my last post on electronic pianos, Electronic pianos are awful! I said I would offer suggestions for getting rid of them to those organists who are landed with one.   But first, a warning.

WARNING! If you are contemplating sabotaging an electronic piano, either subtly (with a screwdriver) or openly (with an axe), remember:

• It is an electrical device and could kill you.
• If you remain alive, you will be highly unpopular with priest and parish
• Either way, the police will be involved.

End of warning.

There are two types of electronic pianos, old ones and new ones.  They are both equally horrible, but the new ones look better.  However, the old ones are easier to get rid of.

I can’t really give a precise definition of ‘old’ in relation to electronic pianos, but if it has been in the parish for yonks, and especially if it was bought second-hand or donated in the first place, it’s probably on its way out.  Technology has improved in the last 10 years or so with the introduction of sampled organ sound in these things as well as in real organs.  If the tiny little organ part of the piano sounds ‘electronic’ then the piano will certainly be old.  Even without that, the chances are good that parts will no longer be available.  Impress on the powers-that-be that the piano’s demise could be imminent.  Tell them this will be a wonderful opportunity to get a new sampled-sound electronic ORGAN, which will probably be less expensive than a new version of the piano.  Keep telling them this.

Another and more serious issue is safety.  Potential danger is something I’ve experienced with elderly home organs rather than electronic pianos, but I would imagine aged pianos are just as susceptible. If an electronic instrument of any kind is crackling or making other strange noises, it might or might not be putting the player at risk.  Unless you’re a technician, you can’t tell.  An organist can quite legitimately refuse to play such an instrument – I certainly wouldn’t touch one – but I know that some organists have been putting up with the crackles and bangs, not realising what they might mean, and not telling the church.  Safety is the church’s responsibility, and if they know there’s a problem they will act.  And, with luck, your snap, crackle and pop will be replaced by a lovely new ORGAN.

In the next post we’ll look at a much bigger challenge: how to get rid of NEW electronic pianos.